Have you ever gotten on a bus or a train and only realizing as soon as it is too late that it is the wrong one? Maybe you were driving and took an exit on the highway only to realize that you are now on a highway going in the opposite directions than you want to be going?
That is just what every day feels like. I am on the bus and I want to get off and I just can’t. I have never felt so powerless so unable to help. I can’t do anything to reverse the course or even impact this journey at all.
So here I am on the eve of the last Thanksgiving that I can say with upmost certainty will be the last one that I will have with my family intact. I select the last pie and I wonder how many lasts do we get? When do we start counting our lasts? Suddenly there is so much more pressure on the day. I am stuck on the bus.
Oh god this is hard. I am sad. I can’t let Mom know that I am sad. Not that she thinks I am happy about this, but still can’t be sad. Can’t be sad at work. Can’t be sad around my friends. Just can’t. Friend sends me and an AM text about cat barf. Gotta respond and not say I want to cry because I have to go to my boss and ask for time off that I don’t have to go to the hospice meeting. Hospice makes this just seem real.
I just want to scream and cry and scream “This sucks! This sucks! This just sucks!” But there is no way to say it. How is that for a Facebook status? No one wants to hear it. And I am even ashamed that I cannot even be more eloquent. I am not sure how normal people deal with this. How do normal people deal with this?
And I am not this person. I am not the sad person. I am the positive one. The supportive one. The one that can inspire others. The one that can positively impact the situation. Except this one. I cannot impact it. I can’t even touch it.