F Cancer

I wonder if the executives of the tobacco companies ever had to sit at the bedside of a dying loved one? I wonder if they discuss how much morphine their customers can be given on the last day.  Have they sat here watching someone die a very slow and painful death?

I am a horrible person. I am very horrible. And if I still believed in god (I don’t as of today) I would fear going to hell for saying this. But I am ready. Ready for it to be over. If there was a benevolent spirit he would have taken her already and not made my dad go through on more day of this.

It is so heart breaking to watch him with her. Fifty two years and he still wants to satisfy every need and want of hers. The needs are not making sense anymore. Real sentences do not come out.

I told him he needs to let her go. Letting her go and wanting her to go are two very different things. It is inevitable and impending. I can’t face one more day of pain.

He is such a trooper. Holding on. Getting through this. I just can’t watch one more day. I feel so horrible for saying this.

(Please forgive any typos but I wrote this post on my phone while sitting next to my mother’s bed.)

2 thoughts on “F Cancer

  1. hang in there; she will be at peace soon and pain free. It will take lots of time for your dad to heal, they have been together all their lives. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family.

    • Thank you again Stacey. It has been a very painful time. I am doing ok but I wish I could help my Dad. He never asks or shares he just bears it. I wish I could be more positive about everything, but I just can’t be.

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