Mom died at about 12:06 am on April 21, 2014. I know the minute because my brother was sending me hateful text messages at the exact moment. Everyone says “It is better now.” No. It is not better. There is a huge hole in my life where my mother was. She no longer hurts and is not sick anymore, but it is not better. It sucks differently now.
Now that it is over. Everything stops suddenly. All the bustle – the stress – the worry, all goes away . The silence sets in. I am grateful for it now. Yesterday was hard. My brother talked for 7 hours straight not letting anyone else say anything, not being very nice and being kind of drunk. Everyone copes in different ways.
Now it is over and I am settling in to the business of handling her affairs and all the junk work. I miss her. I miss her so much. I don’t miss the woman she was those last few weeks – that was someone that I did not know well, but still loved. I miss the woman she was before she got sick. I miss her brilliance, her independence, her will and organization. I miss talking about the important stuff and the not so important stuff.
My Dad is going through so much. He does not complain. It is such a huge void. When the funeral home came to get her, they made up the bed and left a little flower. He kept saying what a nice touch that was (and it was) and he wants to show it to her and tell her about it. He keeps telling me about things that he wants to tell her. Things he wants to show her. We have a long road ahead. I can just try to be the best that I can be for him. Be there as much as I can. Now the neighbors are all around and checking in, but I think in a few months he will know lonely with a capital “L.” I wish I could shield him from that. Take that from him and bear it myself, but I just can’t