Distance

Distance. Separation. I am not sure what. It has almost been three months and I am really struggling. I don’t know when I am supposed to grieve. Or even if I am supposed to grieve. Work gave me three days off and expected me to come back, full steam ahead like nothing happened.

My friends who were absolutely on the verge of being pests a few months ago have all but disappeared. I mean some were being very difficult to deal with – intrusive calls and insistent that I socialize with them when I just wanted to be with my family and dying mother. Now that she is gone. The phone is quiet. Rarely a flicker of a text message.

I am struggling with being happy in a world with a hole in it. I am deeply sad at times but have no words to express it. I am guilty about the happy moments and mostly just hide in the chaos.

I am lonely but not alone. I am having difficulty understanding “gone.” Mom would not want any of this and would even be annoyed at me taking the bereavement days, but that does not make it not real.

I just don’t understand it all yet.